The Happy Hormone

San Francisco – In a bold move President Obama signed an executive order lifting the ban on stem research instituted back in 2001 by the Bush Administration. The order signed on March 9th is being hailed as ‘exciting news’ throughout the scientific community as it re-opens the path for possible cures for a myriad of diseases and disorders which affect millions of people, such as Parkinson’s, diabetes and cardiac malfunctions, just to name a few. Needless to say this is bound to ignite some fury in partisan groups who see this move as not only a declaration of being in touch with the 21st century but a middle finger to all that is moral in Christian values, like the Crusades.

‘We could not be happier,” said Cardial John Matthew, ‘this is a sign of the times which Christians everywhere should rejoice. We are moving one step closer to Jesus and the Holy Father,’ and Cardinal Matthew is not alone, back in the US shouts of exilihartion are being heard in religious quarters most evil, Godless soul-dead non-believers would not expect to hear. ‘Obama has really proven to be Satan’s lapdog and a harbinger, we could not be happier! It’s fabulous! It is obvious the Rapture is a coming soon. From now on he can do anything he might was well he pleases, I am just going to sit on a lawnchair and crack open a Bud. I am going ot heaven, he is not!’ added Pastor Ned Haggard, ‘By the way, it’s with an “N” not a “T.”

A spokeperson for The End Is Now, a Christian interest group in San Francisco whose main mandate is to inform people of the upcoming Doom’s Day has hailed the move as imperative to the end of times. ‘Steve, one of our members, who was watching the signing on the news swore he heard hoofs of four horses coming from the TV, I am sure he was joking but we were sooo high that afternoon… Who knows? Either way, I will step on the side of caution and believe him. Hey, you aren’t going to write the thing about being high on your article, right?’

On the West coast, MSNBC reports ‘Supporters of Change’ a Pro-Choice group are very optimistic while hailing the unsung heroes, mostly actors and politicians –no one would have cared if a dentist becomes a quadupligic after a horsing accident– who would had quietly aided the pro-movement on Stem Research had they not gotten sick and paraded stem research to whomever listened. ‘They are real heroes, we are just having a party in their behalf on April 1st at Hooter’s private party room. If you are coming, we have made arrangements at 7:00pm, remember it’s BYOB. It may take a while, but chances are it will saves lives. We are with the Religious right on this one, what does a stem cell look like anyways?’

Popularity: 13% [?]

In our western society, few are the times for greater reflection than on, and around New Year’s. A time to look back at a set of time and space and ponder on the deeds and non-deeds that have carried us to this point in our lives. A time only followed by one’s birthday and the death of a loved one in the totem pole order of reflectiveness. Surely many secular-types would like to add Lent, Christmas and Ramadan to name a few, but from an general perspective, New Year’s still has a certain Je ne sais quoi, which can inspire or still be abhorred by all people equally.

As I have always said, ‘people do not take enough time to know themselves.’ It is most unfortunate as this is one of the most important lessons a human being can learn. Alas, this is generally not the case. In fact, people will pay others to half-ass do it for them. Hence the number of inspirational Jesters out there who, for a fee, will surgar coat wonderful promises of ‘how you too, can be happy with money/love/sex/or all three!’ …It is quite the multi-million dollar industry. While omitting the fact they themselves would be as poor as dirt had you not paid them to tell you how you too, can be like them. Which ironically, it would have to be by you charging other people and tell them how they too, can be happy with money/love/sex/or all three. Creating some evil infinite loop where someone just has to be miserable for the whole industry to exist.

So I sit here, babysitting the flu and wondering about my last year on earth. Nothing better than spending it alone and sick as an old chapter approaches to a close. As you can imagine, it had both its highs and lows. Ultimately –for us who do it– that is, put your life on a proverbial balance from time to time, the hope is for said balance to lean over onto the highs rather than he lows. But this year, sadly, it has been a little too even. Losing a very loved one, changing jobs, faced some life-long illnesses. Well, I could just take it in for what it is and call it George, right? But I can’t do that! For it has been a year of some really good accomplishments. As they say, ‘the longer the fall, the more alive you will feel looking back down at the abyss when you climb out.’ And although I am not totally out… no point in lying, right? I can see the top closer than ever before. Teasing me to move forth. It will be sad to let go of a few things –someone in particular– but that’s how life is. The view is going to be breathtaking.

So, I sit here, waiting for the flu to get the hell out of my body and for my immune system to really get cracking. I mean, what else do I pay it for?

I hope all of you are in good health and have some interesting plans for the weekend; And subsequently, take the time to find out where and who you are. Only then you will know where you are going! Cheers.

Popularity: 16% [?]

Chicago – A new study spear-headed by the Sigma Xi Scientific Research Society released its results last week after two years of statistic and physiologic data collecting. Its results were of no surprise to the scientists involved, or anyone with an IQ higher than 138 points.

‘We found that on average, an IQ of 138 was the cut off figure a High School aged youth could no longer masquerade his intellect or brainy interests convincingly enough away from his peers.’ Said Dr. Carlton, Head Researcher of the “Virgin Project” as it became affectionately known. ‘The idea of the initiative was to determine why high IQ students tend to sexually lag behind their less intellectual school mates. It has always seemed like a case of Darwinism in reverse.’

The experiment consisted of rounding up 12,500 subjects from twenty different High schools from around the country who had to fill a questionnaire probing into their career, social and sexual views and accomplishments. ‘The results were quite astonishing at first,’ Dr. Carlton commented, ‘and very soon, the pattern basically hit us right on the head like a Klingon death dart.’

The studies showed most ‘jocks, cheerleaders and the generally cool crowd’ in High school are now stuck in dead end jobs and drinking their sorrows on Friday and/or Saturday nights. Have barely expanded their social circles and are constantly reminiscing about the ‘good old days.’ ‘In some instances,’ Dr. Carlton commented ‘A few subjects were actually employed in companies ran by the same individual they used to pull wedgies on. It is a case of extreme poetic justice.’

The results even illustrated instances of sad irony as in the case of Jacob Williams. Back in high school he was the soccer team captain for three years running. ‘Yeah, I got some sweet snatch back then, drank like a fish too, yeah, those were good years. (But) lately my career has been taking most of my time.’ Unfortunately, our interview at his place of work was cut short by a phone call, which required his immediate attention. ‘If you excuse me.’ Said Williams as he placed the phone back onto the receiver. ‘I gotta run. Some yuppie loser just puked his guts out in the men’s washroom on the 17th floor.’

The status quo of the study showed intellectual prowess and the willingness to apply it in scholarly interest proportionally reduced the chances of a student getting laid.

‘I was chess captain in high school and it was not until university that I kissed my first woman.’ Reported one Oscar Escobado, ‘But after I got my medical practice going, women have been practically throwing themselves at me. Honestly, I lost count how many I have had in the sack. You could say that I came back with a vengeance.’

The data also showed ‘Nerds’ tended to be better lovers than their ‘cool’ counterparts regardless of their financial success as their self-esteem with the opposite sex is permanently damaged. As such, a desire to always try harder, more passionately and/or for longer is ingrained in their psyche early in their teenager years as they feel they are never quite good enough. ‘We called it the Ugly-Duckling Syndrome.’ Said Dr. Carlton. It was also noted that none of the spouses or significant other of those in the study ever complained or seemed to mind their partner’s obvious emotional unbalance.

‘It was almost impossible to conceal my astuteness when you can remember what was taught three weeks before or the fact that I had to keep correcting the teacher on her calculus solving skills. Back then; being smart was like the kiss of death. Mind you, my ex-playmate wife things I am over exaggerating.’ Said one George Kyperous from his private yacht. Now a multi-millionaire whose patent of a drug that nullifies nicotine addiction is being subsidized by cigarette companies who are paying him not to bring his invention to market.

The project even had a chance to reunite many subjects who had not heard or seen of each other in years. As was in the case of Stevenson “Stevie” McNicoll, a Hyundai mechanic, but a Football God in high school. He had the chance to attempt to amend the years of emotional abuse he inflicted to Josh Patterson — now a powerful stockbroker, member of the board of the Bank of America and married to Miss Florida ‘98. Later that day Mr. Patterson smirked as he commented, ‘When his house is repossessed, we’ll see who’ll be laughing then.’

At the end of the study, it was discovered that in extreme cases chess, debate, science team captains and most serious nerds in general produced an income that was on average twice to five times greater than their entire high school populous combined. ‘Such flexibility, and liquidity in assets,’ Observed Dr. Carlton, ‘Is a humongous turn on for women, who instinctively gravitate toward such needs as companionship, security and diamond jewelry.’

Since the results have been released, The Bank of America and a number of Top 100 companies have generously subsidized the entire funding for the “Virgin Project.”

Popularity: 42% [?]

The City of Toronto and the Toronto Transit Commission jointly released an ad campaign on Nov 9th throughout TTC stations reminding commuters to use their freshly washed garments as stopgaps for bacteria which literally already live in every cubic meter of air we breath. Including inside subway cars, by the way.

You see, for the longest time I have been telling people that common sense is paradoxically not that common. People aught not be reminded about something that in this day and age should be considered common — and sure I dare say it?– basic sense. Sure the road to hell is not paved with posters of a woman coughing into her sleeve but I do see it as a misappropriation of limited funds. Practicing common and basic hygiene: Like washing your hands or making sure you do not sneeze into other people’s nostrils is not TTC’s responsibility.

How ironic would it be for a commuter to be thankfully reminded of using his sleeve as a rogue cough conspired to sneak past him only to be rundown by a flying back-wheel from a faulty and aging bus only minutes later as he waited for his usual rush hour trip. Yes, highly unlikely but it would hurt a lot more than a rendezvous with the flu.

Which leads me to my main point: In this era of budget cutting, where city services need to constantly prove their funds are achieving a set of concrete goals or fear having them cut off their next fiscal year. Then why, oh why is a Megacity’s transit system spending from already lean coffers on anything then transportation improvements? Cardboard ads do not make my trip faster, comfortable and bring a rainbow to my day.

I cannot not recall NYC Metro ever reporting pandemics running rampant on their subway system. And trust me, if there was ever a system which would definitely benefit from being entirely douched in hundreds of gallons of Mr. Clean, they are it.

Add to it the recent revelation that the TTC will be running on a $1 billion deficit over the next five years! [Toronto Sun reports: here]

On a more insightful –or market motivated note — if you are going to tell people to seed their own garments with viruses why not go the extra mile and get models using designer handkerchiefs?

Designers: Be the first to inundate the Holiday season with eye catching and colourful handkerchiefs with extra absorbent and out-of-this-world germ genocidal properties! Be the first to stop germs in style. True mavericks would soon create left and right sleeve sneeze patches. Better yet: Introduce the first ever Le Homme and Femme Manchons Collection! Have a model sneeze on a high tread-count fashionista statements and just kickback and wait for the money to start coughing in! The Quebecois nation would love them!

Just Picture the panache revolution this is bound to turn into! Imagine the innovation and statements it would create! I can already imagine the tag line: “Maybe Sick, Yet Always Chic.“[*]

Alas, the TTC lacks such foresight, and why? Because they aught to be using their limited funds to improve their infrastructure first, not half cooked attempts at educating people basic hygiene.

Look at the Montreal Metro for example: Realizing people do not want to just travel to and fro. They built a streamlined system with a high reverence for design and art. In fact, some stations are considered tourist attractions all by themselves. So now tourist actually pay a fare to see architecture that had to be there in the first place. Now, how modern and avant garde is that? It surely beats our Stalin-era inspired subway stations. Want to see what we are missing? Click here and scroll down the pictures on the left hand side for a taste.

In my humble opinion, they aught to focus on the positive aspects of their service and innovate rather than to remind –and some would say: scare– an already declining ridership of the rare possibility of catching the same virus I could as easily get while shopping at Holt Renfrew.

Even if the ads border on public warnings, the gains on such enterprise are minimal at best. As the question that ultimately gets begged is: ‘Why even try?’ Leave the educating of health issues and practices to the Ministry of Health. I pay my taxes TTC, now let them do their job!
It is bad news for consumers when the commission tries to expand too far from their core business and into more trivial –yes, you heard me– trivial exercises. Since the most expected side effect of this is the degradation of its core services.

Ultimately, does the TTC brass really think day-to-day passengers are unable to remind fellow travelers to be more health conscious? Sure we Canadians, we are re-known for our polite nature but no one ever said we are like meek sheep to the slaughter or that we lack a good chunk of spine. We are not pushovers. Come one TTC, gives us your clients some credit, we’ll tell that pig to cover his mouth and save you some ad money while we are at it.

[*] — My ’slogan,’ if you would like to use it, remember to send me royalties.

Popularity: 3% [?]

New York – Tensions about avian flu outbreaks around the world are flying high as the media and the World Health Organization continue to warn us of an incoming judgment day where riots, paranoia and anarchy will rule supreme right up until the bit where we all keel over and die.

Fear on the grapevine is spreading like wildfire and can be found on almost all levels of human society. ‘There are rumours of underground factions working in conjunction to bring an end to humanity and usher a feathered Utopia as foretold in one of our many Holy texts.’ Said Reverend DaFellinci, ‘Not sure which one, but I am sure it is in there somewhere, probably written in some sort of code.’

‘Homo Sapiens are under attack.’ Added retired NYU Professor Frederick Andhaje, ‘Chicks are behind the pandemic. Some of them escape from farms you see, and get together in packs. I can almost see it, some seedy red-lit hideout, toying the avian flu back and for between each other, masterminding how they will transmit it onto us. I do not need to have forgotten my pills to know those chicks are up to no good.’

A few sketchy online sources describe underground bunkers representing a clear and present danger to out existence. On one www.thefeatheredfarside.com an article by a forum member who wished to remain anonymous stated: ‘not in a million years would I have ever thought the fourth Horseman to be a chicken.’ The author finished his essay with this grim statement ‘…I am hypothesizing the existence of a vast network working in isolated cells, working independently from each other. Thus making it very hard to track them down. Novus Ordo Mundi man! Novus Ordo Mundi!’ Since this story was printed the site has mysteriously gone offline.

Until the reckoning day comes Media analysts admit the best thing citizens can do is educate themselves about the danger and watch more TV. Just last week, most American channels from ABC to CNN showed no less than five movies of the week and prime-time documentaries highlighting and surmising our avian pandemic demise. When asked if the media was basing their obviously exaggerated portrayal of the flu on fear and the May Sweeps, a NBC spokesperson said ‘Well, duh.’

Popularity: 6% [?]