The Happy Hormone

Aren’t you tired of the dating scene? Where the good looking horde all the attention? Flashing their dimples and smothering everyone with their blasted Darwinian advantage?

Well, it was only a matter of time before technology and the human mating dance met face to face, went out for a few drinks and ended up in a Super 8! The result? A cyber-jungle of IM services plus a volley of single, dating and discrete encounters sites. A scene not much different than the de-humanizing meat-markets found in any half lit nightclub on a Friday night, it seemed like things are just going to be business as usual.

BUT WAIT!

With the invention of that great equalizer known as the Internet, it is finally irrelevant if you are shy or if your friends call you a Picasso come to life!

THERE IS MORE!

Now not only the ludicrously hot (not you) and extroverted (again, not you) can enjoy the sinful pleasures of straying into the fancy of multiple partners, whether you like it or not!

BUT WAIT!

‘How does this remarkable system, undoubtedly created by a sage in the arts of seduction works,’ you ask?

Simple, I made it a personal quest to travel the world, hopping from frisky Jamaica, to romantic Paris and to the ironically more laissez-faire city of Amsterdam to research and collect data. The rest of Europe, Asia, and Africa were also on the itinerary—somewhere— but unfortunately, I got as far as the mythical city of London, Ontario before running out of funds and forced to find a Money-Mart to buy the bus trip home. Either way, after ten minutes of Googling, I was able to extract the elixir to create this revolutionary system.

WOW, I AM GETTING A LITTLE EXCITED!

Yes, and you should be.

TELL ME MORE!

As part of your guide into history, you will receive my smouldering ‘How to be an Internet Player’ guide, smack full of essays, wisdom and ‘how-to’ nuggets. Such as:

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BOSTON – It was a shock to both faculty and the student body when a suspected murder case on campus was discovered to be nothing more than the self terminating, fool-hardly attempts of a law school undergraduate Michael Sanders out to prove he was still the ‘big man on campus.’

According to witnesses, on Saturday the 20th of this month, Michael crashed a party with three of his friends, drank at least a dozen beers cans, crushing each “empty” on his forehead before noticing a party guest had brought a .9mm Luger semi-automatic and was showing it to a few blond members of a visiting sorority.

Seeing it as an opportunity to improve his fading sovereignty within his fraternity, Michael seized the gun out of the owner’s hand and announced he was still ‘the big man on campus,’ before pointing the gun onto himself.

Witnesses report the victim as laughing out loud as he tried to get the crowd’s attention screaming the words “Russian Roulette, Russian Roulette, who dares me?!” right up to the moment in which he pulled the trigger.

‘It was a desperate cry for attention.’ Said Terry Wales, the newly designated ‘big man on campus.’ ‘He was a wash out and no one took him seriously anymore. He had lost most of his support base late last semester when he started dating a Philosophy grad. That girl really messed him up. Making him go to art galleries, the ballet and read and shit. His stock and street cred had dropped to the level of a freshman.’

The victim’s family was devastated to hear the news as a state of disbelief and fury rippled through the entire Sanders household.

‘How much of a moron do you have to be to play Russian roulette with a semi-automatic gun for Pete’s sake?’ Said Michael’s mother Mary Sanders. ‘Just the thought that he came out of me, that he and I share the same gene pool, is really frightening. If he knew he would be playing dumb-ass macho games like that, the least he could do was think of his family first and have the decency to go to a cheaper college.’

Mr. Sanders expressed utter fear their remaining son, Arthur Sanders could in the future display such idiocy. ‘We had set some money aside for him too,’ explained Mr. Sanders. ‘(But) we aren’t taking any chances. We have worked too long and too hard. I am cashing his trust fund next week. Maybe go around the world with the wife!’

Michael’s younger 17-year-old brother Arthur was quoted as saying; “Mike fucked me up!” over and over.

The family has expressed their full intention of taking legal action against Harvard for what they call “Mind-boggling False Marketing.”

‘They go around flaunting they are one of the best universities in the world! Over 40 Nobel laureates? Oh yeah?! Look what they taught him! Look at what they let my baby do! Doesn’t matter what they say. With the money we payed them, I could have gotten myself an Audi TT instead, and still have my son!”

Harvard University has refused to comment but has not denied its seeking legal counsel from its lawyers on retainer.

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Best Buy opened a huge location five minutes away from my place. So I decided to go for a small stroll and browse through the wares my big blue and yellow neighbour had to offer. Especially since there is a three story Future Shop –which was acquired by Best Buy in 2001 for a thrifty $500 Million– three minutes north on Yonge Street. As some of your may know, I have been homebound for a while yet I was curious to see what a futile exercise in laissez-faire capitalism looks like these days.

Obviously I have been out of the personal electronics must-have’s loop for some time. As little did I know the first pentad of the new millennium has been utterly overrun by the MP3 player.
Sure music is valuable for self-expression and one of the highlights of being human, but since when do people must have a musical player attached to their ears everywhere they go?
I swear I can’t count five people down the street without one bopping their head left to right to some unheard beat. You would think them crazy if it were not for the tell-tale cables running from their pockets to their heads.

No Sony, your Walkman is been buried and dead, so don’t even try it, I won’t be writing about you. Just stick with your cellphones and playstations. Any who, I simply could not believe the store, aisle after aisle, if not of MP3 players themselves than of accessories for the damn MP3 players.

So who is the man in this $4.3 billion MP3 player market you ask? Who is at the top of the hill and the source of ravenous envy to all its competitors? Why the aesthete that is the Ipod of course. With 70 million sold in the last five years the Ipod commands now what Apple has been having wet dreams since its inception back in ‘76: A mass audience who also happen to be rabid consumers.

As I walked through the rows of Ipod speakers, car holders, stereo add-ons and the ever needed Ipod socks (just $39.99 for a pack of six) really, I am not kidding. I could not help feeling a little stupefied by all of this. Perhaps ‘overwhelmed’ would be a better word. After all, Apple is not the only one throwing their weight around. Other companies like Dell, Toshiba, Scandisk, Samsung and many others have jumped into the bandwagon. After all, if you build it even if it sucks, someone is bound to buy it.

So on that note, just when you think you can see the end of the party crasher’s line. Here comes big brother Microsoft, elbowing everyone –as usual–out of the way as it tries to get in before MP3 players are passe.

Microsoft obviously not happy there is a market in its road to world domination it has yet to get its sticky fingers on has created what they call an ‘Ipod killer.’ So what is the name of this late entry? It is the Zune. Now on paper this product sounds great. It has a bigger screen than the rest of the competition, Wifi and as such you can share MP3s on the go.
It sounds all great and good until you start finding the Wifi will only work with other Zunes.
That you can only play transfered MP3s three time in three days, after that the song becomes unplayable, unless you buy it from their on-line store. This includes your own collection which you may own fair and square. Heck these includes your own creations! So if you are a musician, don’t put your original work in the Zune. What is the point of sharing then?

However what I found out on my trip to both stores is that at this point in the MP3 market companies are not just selling you a digital player. Oh no. You see, a music player is no longer just music player. It is much more than that. At least that is what millions spent in marketing keep on stating, shouting and dancing in ad after ad: ‘Our Music player doesn’t only play music. It more… It’s cool. Its a media and social event all by itself. It’s an artistic expression, a bold reflection of your raw and unadulterated id for God’s sake! It will get you laid! What are you doing standing there? GO BUY ONE NOW!

Just remember before you buy any of Microsoft products –and in fairness any other product in the future– the Zune is a first generation device. The reviews have been negative for the most part. Not to say that even big brother might not have a good thing going in the future. However right now, they don’t. If you decide to purchase it anyway for this Christmas season, don’t be surprised if you get a little too acquainted with windows such as this one:


Oh, one last thing. The future is in all-in-one devices. Not just on Mp3 players and media players and so on. Apple and its competitors are slowly heading into that direction but will surely take their time until consumers wise up.

For those who are wondering what I have used when needing a music player: I bought myself a smartphone almost two years ago. Put a 1 gig memory card on it and since then I had a colour screen bigger than an Ipod, a phone, a media and MP3 player, plus a voice recorder, pda and Internet browser all for $250. It pays to be an educated consumer, even if does not look as cool as an Ipod.

Update 18/11/2006:
Man uses Mp3 player to hack ATM’s in the UK! Read here.

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‘She tried to make you feel guilty?’ I asked my friend Alex.
He nodded. ‘Wow, how do you feel about it?’ I could tell it was bothering him.
‘I assume that you’re not talking anymore?’
He nodded again.
It was peculiar –I had to admit it— but funny. In a horrible sort of way funny.

Okay, so here is what happened:

My friend goes to a birthday party of an old female friend at this place on Queen St. West called…well, let’s keep the actual name out, as you never know who might one day be reading this.

The birthday party was going well as pints, martinis, cigarettes and pictures were getting drunk, smoked and taken. Everyone was smiling and communal. It sounded like a pretty good party to me. Soon, after a few drinks everyone was everyone’s good old friend and it is normally then when some men, after having just a bit of ‘liquid-courage’ will approach the one girl in the party that might have caught their eye.

‘So, how do you know Suzanne?’ was his opening question to the cute blonde who was smiling with a welcoming smile reserved for only close friends or those who we instinctually find sexually appealing. There was obviously some attraction happening there. ‘And then what happened?’

They talked, laughed and flirted themselves from the rest of the pack and into a quiet corner of the lounge. He found out about her job, aspirations and even about her pet dog Mildred. It sounded promising.

Alex although not shy with women in the least, barely ever shares any info about his private life, even to me and I have known the guy forever. This girl, let’s call her Lisa, had really made an impression on him.

So it was no surprise when the party finally died down and everybody was outside wondering what to do with the rest of the night. They both agreed to take their leave together.

‘I was going east and so was she, so I thought me and Lisa could walk until we went our separate ways.’ That’s nice, walk with her and get to know her better I thought. We have all been there, you meet someone you get along so well you find yourself wishing for the night not to end. ‘It felt really good. At one point she said her hands were cold and put her right hand in my coat pocket along with mine. We were holding hands and hoping it no one would notice our connection. We said good-bye to the few smokers who were still deciding where to go and started walking.’

This was getting more interesting by the minute. ‘Aha, go on…and then?’

After walking for about twenty minutes, she decided that it was time to let me know she was married and her husband was waiting at home.

‘Just like that?!’
‘Just like that…’
‘Like that?’
‘Aha.’
‘Oh. That sucks. What did you do?
‘Aside feeling foolish and weird, well, nothing…I wasn’t sure what to do.’
‘So what did you do?’
‘We kept on walking.’
‘Ah. Not much talking then, eh?’
‘No.’
‘Unless you are into that sort of thing…’
‘Shut up.’

So kept on walking they did until the proverbial fork on the road came. Knowing Alex, I am sure he was happy when that happened –I mean— who wouldn’t? But the night wasn’t quite over yet. Lisa then asked since it was so late if he could be kind enough to walk her home, eight blocks away.

Which leads us back to what was bothering Alex. He felt bad for leaving a woman in the middle of the city at 3:00am even if she was married. I mean, technically that didn’t change the fact that he was leaving her in a deserted street. But what would happen if he walked her with her husband at home? Can you imagine it?
Ouch!

What did he do? You ask?
He refused. He declined and told her that he would only walk her if she needed to, but that she could now easily take a taxi. She wasn’t to far from home and it would avoid the possible serious consequences of the mixture of two men and a very flirtatious wife.
She in turn was said a cold ‘Fine!” and walked in separate directions.

But that wasn’t the end of it. A few days later…Alex told he had spoken with Suzanne and confirmed that Lisa was in fact married. He also told me he spoken with Lisa, as it turns out she had given him her business card too. In their short conversation she called him as being less than a gentleman and a looser for leaving her. I begged Alex to tell me if he reminded Lisa she had kept the fact that she was married until the very end. That would have been what I would call a counter-check, but no, our boy failed to do so. She also said that she was going to tell all her friends –Suzanne included— of his ‘fake’ behaviour towards women and then hanged up. Ah, the drama of today’s battle of the sexes.

Do I believe this whole story? Hey, why not? It sounds too good to be made up. All the facts came from the horse’s mouth, but of course for the sake off all involved I did change the names as in the end it takes nothing from it all. Also I did ask for permission to post this, what kind of friend would I be if I didn’t ask first?

In the end, what could I do but to tell my Alex that everything will work out? Will this change his ways? Well, I sure hope he doesn’t again to him or anyone for that matter. Since to all who reads this will know the underlying themes that were going on the minds of these two at least for some of the time. Do I agree with their actions? I have my opinions, but hey, I am just the messenger. Don’ shoot me.

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Hello Everyone,
Yes, among my many interests, I have to say that being a ‘Good Samaritan’ is more like a part-time job. Do it sometimes, but like most people out there, our day jobs take a good chunk of our possible time doing our Samaritarian calling. However, not that long ago I found this website while doing some research regarding taking some Spanish classes. The name of it is:
http://www.meetup.com/

Now, for those who know such social sites like Craigslist.org, you will feel right at home. Basically you can create groups in which you can seek, meet, share ideas, heck even date with people you might share common interests with. And that means anything… Whether that is sports, sci-fi fans, avid readers, sewing or if you are looking to find people with whom you can practice a new language. As you can imagine, that is where I came in the picture.

Of course, nothing this good is ever for free. It is free for all members except organizers who have to pay about $20 a month for the right to be organizers. Although Craigslist.org IS FREE, that site’s more anonymous nature might scare a lot of people away. Details like posting your own pictures, name, interests, a bit if a self-description and a message board in Meetup.com make most users more credible and trusting than other sites where users are only referred as ‘User #113337526.’ The current surge of sites like www.lavalife.com easily attest to this. The more details you write about yourself, the more people you meet.

So, taking into consideration that I had not done my good deed of the month, I decided to
become an organizer. The name of my group? “The 23-35 Social Group.” The name really implies to what the main point is. Now I could write about in detail here, but if you live in Toronto, or would like to take a look at how a group in www.meetup.com is normally run, then drop by and do visit. Even better yet, join. So far, the group has been there for about a year now we are about 315 members and growing!
http://newlysingle.meetup.com/450/

Oh, and in case you are wondering about what happened with my Spanish class search, well, you can easily find me in the “Toronto Spanish Speaking Group.” Just look under “Mauricio.”

Cheers!

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