The Happy Hormone

San Francisco – In a bold move President Obama signed an executive order lifting the ban on stem research instituted back in 2001 by the Bush Administration. The order signed on March 9th is being hailed as ‘exciting news’ throughout the scientific community as it re-opens the path for possible cures for a myriad of diseases and disorders which affect millions of people, such as Parkinson’s, diabetes and cardiac malfunctions, just to name a few. Needless to say this is bound to ignite some fury in partisan groups who see this move as not only a declaration of being in touch with the 21st century but a middle finger to all that is moral in Christian values, like the Crusades.

‘We could not be happier,” said Cardial John Matthew, ‘this is a sign of the times which Christians everywhere should rejoice. We are moving one step closer to Jesus and the Holy Father,’ and Cardinal Matthew is not alone, back in the US shouts of exilihartion are being heard in religious quarters most evil, Godless soul-dead non-believers would not expect to hear. ‘Obama has really proven to be Satan’s lapdog and a harbinger, we could not be happier! It’s fabulous! It is obvious the Rapture is a coming soon. From now on he can do anything he might was well he pleases, I am just going to sit on a lawnchair and crack open a Bud. I am going ot heaven, he is not!’ added Pastor Ned Haggard, ‘By the way, it’s with an “N” not a “T.”

A spokeperson for The End Is Now, a Christian interest group in San Francisco whose main mandate is to inform people of the upcoming Doom’s Day has hailed the move as imperative to the end of times. ‘Steve, one of our members, who was watching the signing on the news swore he heard hoofs of four horses coming from the TV, I am sure he was joking but we were sooo high that afternoon… Who knows? Either way, I will step on the side of caution and believe him. Hey, you aren’t going to write the thing about being high on your article, right?’

On the West coast, MSNBC reports ‘Supporters of Change’ a Pro-Choice group are very optimistic while hailing the unsung heroes, mostly actors and politicians –no one would have cared if a dentist becomes a quadupligic after a horsing accident– who would had quietly aided the pro-movement on Stem Research had they not gotten sick and paraded stem research to whomever listened. ‘They are real heroes, we are just having a party in their behalf on April 1st at Hooter’s private party room. If you are coming, we have made arrangements at 7:00pm, remember it’s BYOB. It may take a while, but chances are it will saves lives. We are with the Religious right on this one, what does a stem cell look like anyways?’

Popularity: 13% [?]

Months have gone by since Steven Harper was sworn in and yet, in typical Canadian fashion no coup d’état has been plotted and no demonstrators have swarmed upon Ottawa. Heck, am I to wager most Canadians have already forgotten the minutiae of being an election year already? Impressive. Could it be part of Mr. Harper’s insidious masterminding to keep his agenda so well hidden in some dark fissure within his conscious where even light cannot escape? Or is it another one of Tim Horton’s “Roll-the-Rim-to-Win” campaigns in full swing again and thus distracting the populous from the happenings within Parliament Hill? How could a country proud in our gay and abortion enlightened laws; laissez-faire attitude towards marijuana and hippy oriented diversity elect a leader who on multiple occasions has opposed our status quo? Let me start by saying I have my suspicions, but have no factual idea, so I will not start any second-guessing. Okay, now that’s in the open, let’s continue…

I still remember election day as if it was yesterday, bushy tailed ready to fulfill my civil duty and aid the due process to elect a new fearless leader. Did I really think the Liberals would win? No, not by a long shot, but I sure as hell was not going to allow some fanatic –including rightwing extremists— from getting a majority government.

Imagine my surprise when I found there was a voting station in the lobby in my very own building. Oh, the political squirm I would have released if I remotely followed or cared about politics on a day-to-day capacity. However, it was great having the knowledge of not traveling far to give my two cents; and if you are part of the immediate-gratification generation like I am, you know that’s about as good as it gets. Imagine my surprise when I found the lobby almost deserted. It was as if most people really didn’t care. Then I remembered how many times is had been repeated by both newsrooms and friends alike, ‘this will be the closest election in years!’ But I was there by my lonesome self, in the eve of election day, all alone. Except for two sad looking voting officials but I wasn’t counting them. I was shocked! That would be the third time for any of those counting.

Where were my fellow voters? I certainly recall being the election day geek, calling friends with a friendly reminder. ‘But of course, I am going to vote,’ they told me. “It is one of the closest elections in years,” said another when pushed. It seemed like the call to action had been raised way before I had decided to part-time as the pestering friend we all loathe to have.

Back at the voting station, a few people had showed up…finally. It was only 8 pm, ‘why not wait a little longer? You know, build some suspense.’ I thought. They were all from my building, which stands to reason, if you cannot be coerced to vote when the polling station is only meters beneath you then nothing will. Except for maybe free food, personally I would recommend booze –preferably wine if I had a say on it— perhaps we could vote on it? Unfortunately last time I checked such behaviour is considered highly uncouth, oh, and completely illegal. But heck, I say why not make a party of it? After all if most people don’t make it a priority to vote, would it matter if they did it while utterly smashed? George W. Bush used to do it during his younger years and look how far he got. Sure not the best plan but no one would deny the possible advantages. Which surely would multiply exponentially if people where allowed to hang around before actually voting. It would be the first time in history where people would look forward to waiting in line. Mmm, we might be onto something…Elections Canada, take note.

Albeit for the time being, we are stuck with Mr. Harper for the next few years…yet everything is still okay. No previous laws have been modified; the great lakes have not turned to blood and no sex before marriage bills have been proposed. No new taxes have been implemented –except for Mr. McGuinty’s tax\premium buffoonery— and no waves of endless locusts or in our case mosquitoes have eaten our collective skin or our crops. The future does seem friendly, which of course I take as the calm before the storm. Call it a prophetic itch but I just know one day Mr. Harper’s eyebrow will suddenly twitch and he will decide its time to “crack this bitch up.” I fear for that day. I just know it will come. When are we going to find out you drink your own blood Mr. Harper? Canadians deserve to know.

Popularity: 1% [?]

Rogers Expands Rogers on Demand

TORONTO- Rogers Communications ever-growing lust to build an imperious monopoly over Canadians announced today details about their upcoming second-generation Rogers On Demand service.

‘It funny how it came to us,’ said an unapologetic Ted Rogers, ‘(The board and) I sat in my arboretum, just beneath my own small ten foot gold statue of myself wondering just how to expand the service beyond just movies. Then it hit us. Not everyone likes to just watch movies.’

According to their news release, Rogers On Demand will now include services from drugs, gambling and prostitution. ‘We simply could not believe we had neglected such an obvious market before. It might be a low denominator clientele, but we are talking hundreds of millions here.’ added Andrew Corripio head of Rogers’s global marketing.

‘You will find our prices to be very competitive. Not only that, there is also the extra advantage of bundling Rogers On Demand with any of our other telephony or cable services, trust me, you will definitely see some real savings on your monthly bill. We are very excited about our prospects.’

After being asked about the fact this initiative might be considered illegal by both local and federal authorities, Mr. Rogers added: ‘I have never given a fuck about what they thought in the past, I see no reason why to I should care now.’

Popularity: 2% [?]

After the media got a hold of it. The Mighty Ted Rogers realizing the client would not go away into that gentle goodnight and pay $12,000 — sorry, it was up to $14,000 acrued to the interest charges while the matter got resolved– AND allowed a mockery to be made of his cellular business has publicly announced the fee will be waived. *Poof,* just like that, like a magician would a quarter.

Oh, no. Ted now in full safe-face mode went a step further and asked her for tea and maybe a few crumpets, you know, to round it all off. TEA? After the fact that Rogers was about had denied all responsability and state that they would sue her? Under the grounds that she was responsible because someone broke into her home and stole her cell phone while on a trip abroad? Thank you Rogers for your samaritan bout of common sense. To bad it had to be preluded by the possibilty of loosing countless thousands in bad PR. Bruck.

On the same note, I would like to see, once the true story is out, for Bush to have some hot mocha with the thousand of Iraq people that had their homes bombed back to the stone age. Since he can’t have a drink with the thousands who died in his little feud for cheaper oil, but which true numbers have yet to be revealed to the American people.

Oh well, guess that will go on my wish list.

Popularity: 1% [?]