The Happy Hormone

Many years ago I ran into a High School friend at a comedy show after party with his ‘new’ girlfriend in hand. Seven years had gone by since we last chatted and I felt the need to say hello. After a cordial if brief re-acquaintance and a polite introduction to his lovely girlfriend, I asked how they had met. They looked at each other, smiled, as if sharing some dark secret before admitting, ‘We met online.’ Then they smiled to each other some more. As if somehow by dating they have breached a rare social contract where it is stated people must meet by having one partner pick up the other while participating in some sort of mysterious community-based liturgy.

During this time sites like Lava Life and Plenty of Fish had just begun to flourish and meeting over the web was still not quite in vogue. It is amazing what a difference a few years make. These days, it is not only socially acceptable but if you dare denounce online-dating, you risk the chance of on-lookers to well, look at you as an archaic individual more at home at a cave with only dial-up than a citizen of the new millennium.

Indeed, the search for the perfect partner is now hotter and easier than ever! As online dating is now not only considered normal but is in fact one of the fastest growing ways to chat, meet and bed members of the opposite sex since the invention of the mini-skit and the sport convertible. So… now that it has gotten this far, where do we from here?

Sure if you are hot, you can post a picture, toss some lines on your profile and sit back, sip on a glass of wine and let the matches pile up. Although just like in a club, you are bound to get a plethora of ‘undesirables.’ Both men and women vying for your attention, with their funny quips and insights and claims of how they are different than those who just posted funny quips and insights on how they are different then the first people who posted something about just how different they are. It is like the bar scene just set to fast forward. You can do three weekends of bar-hoping without leaving the comfort of your living room. No dancing, drinking, friends or fresh air required. Anyone can see the advantages in that.

But now what? How can they this fun be taken to the next level? Well, some enterprising people have. At first I thought it was a joke but I recently found out about this site called Darwin Dating. A dating site which only accepts ‘HOT’ people. People with genetics south of Homo Sapiens need not apply! So now you can reject hot jerks as well!

Enjoy the snobbery of clubs in the comfort of your own home! But there is more! Have you ever wondered if you are a chimp? Now you can find out using their questionnaire!

Not sure if you are hot? They are more than willing to let you know through their easy to follow 41 point check list. Obviously not only they think you are ugly but not very smart as well. ‘Lack of visible skin between eyebrows? Pocket protectors? Crooked or webbed toes?’ Damn! So close!

Since the service is free, they surely make some of their expenses through distinctive and well placed ads. Which by the way point to other more idiotic dating services such as ‘mate1.com’ and the more ludicrous sounding sugardaddie.com where their tag line is ‘Where the classy, attractive and affluent can meet.’ Followed by the ever affluent statement ‘As seen on Dr. Phil, Richard and Judy and WB11 WPIX News TV!’ Since when do we take dating advise from news shows? Or a pseudo-crackpot, pop-psychology who found fame at the fancy of Oprah? And who abused the practice and ended up pay $10 million in a class action suit because he told people if they bought his weight loss supplements they would ‘help you change your behavior to take control of your weight.’

Food does that? How come McDonald’s have not put some of that magic pixie ingredient on their burgers. Oh, yeah, the $10 million class action suit. But Dr. Phil can’t be wrong!

My God, and I have been meeting women through face to face encounters all these years? How retro am I? Don’t get me wrong, online dating has its advantages. They do help to plow through the profiles of jerks, assholes and psychotic-rabbit-loving women who litter the path to the perfect partner. In the end I can’t help wondering if we are transcending and complicating what started off as a good idea to the point of lunacy. What is next? Marry an Ugly Millionaire Online service?

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The best poem ever written in creation was penned by a Sir Archibald Fuchester Bradley in 1885 while staying at Fenwick Manor, located about a day’s travel northwest of London. It was such an astonishing feat even Sir Fuchester himself could not believe his own right hand. True his right hand had been good to him in the past, mixing sugar into his cup at teatime or to beg his second-cousin for a place to lodge. Yes, his right hand had been there for him at his most trying and lonesome times but never quite like this. Oh no, never like this. Little is known of Sir Archibald Fuchester Bradley, second cousin (twice removed) by marriage to the Duke of Fenwick and 298th in line to the British Crown in 1885. This fact would have been lost to history had it not been for the fanatical, insane-like work ethic of the Royal Historian in-charge at the time.

It must also be noted this Royal Historian’s quick succumbing to outright and full-fledged insanity soon thereafter brings the accuracy of the document into question. A quick glance at the British Royal Family tree at the time names a Rose bush outside Essex Castle as 299th and a metal pipe inside one of the mermen fountains in Trafalgar Square as 300st in-line to the throne of England.

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This was a letter sent to Mr. Smitherman, my MPP regarding Toronto’s new Smart-meters that if without opposition could start infiltrating Toronto homes as early as this summer. Although a good idea in concept, the way they are going at it is as boneheaded as only politicians have the gift to make it.

This is Mr. McGuinty’s plan to have Torontonians save electricity by doing their laundry at ‘off peak’ hours. Like, let’s say 3:00am in the morning.
If you rent than this affects you! Write your MPP, make them earn their lunch money.

Good day Mr. Smitherman,

I am taking this opportunity –my first in fact – to write to you about an issue, which has gravely alerted my attention. Mr. McGuinty’s proposed use of ‘smart meters’ in the city of Toronto, although a good plan at heart, needs to be rethought before it can ever come upon real-world implementation.

Mr. Smitherman, this plan does not take into consideration a landlord’s responsibility to upgrade a tenant’s unit or appliances to the latest most energy efficient models. I would also wager that most would be unable to financially fulfil this task. Further still, once they are no longer footing the hydro bill, it is easy to see their desire to replace them waver even more. Especially if McGuinty allows landlords to mandate their own generic discount on a tenant’s rent. After all, a building does not have to be environmentally friendly or efficient to pass code.

Under these circumstances, if a landlord cannot\refuses to upgrade appliances, don’t you think passing the expense of hydro over to tenants is not only unfair but an obvious lack of environmental concern by Mr. McGuinty and Queen’s Park? It sounds more like a misguided attempt to save a quick buck rather than avoiding an ‘energy crisis.’

So what if this plan comes into fruition? I can only imagine the logistical nightmare of keeping track of the new hardware and the billing system that will surely come with it. Instead of having one bill, now you are going to deliver over 320 to my building alone? How many trees are going to be cut down every billing cycle in order to keep Toronto’s mostly circa ‘80s appliances running? How about the new staff that will need to be hired?

To quote Mr. McGuinty from his April 19nth, 2004 Legislative assembly speech, it is easy for him or anyone to say “That old, inefficient beer fridge in the basement may seem like your best friend at playoff time — but every time you open the door it’s “pay-up time,” because that fridge can be costing you about $150 a year in extra electricity — electricity we can’t afford to waste.” Well, what about when that ‘inefficient fridge’ takes the form of your inefficient heater, or your stove, or your kitchen fridge? These things happen and they are not being addressed, could someone explain why tenants should pay for something they have no control over?

On a different note Mr. Smitherman, why no one ever touches on the fact that we do not need the CIBC tower on the Northwest corner of Yonge and Bloor lit up like a Christmas tree every night? Or what about the Manulife Centre? Or the Eaton Center Tower? Or most of the downtown core for that matter? How many lights does an evening cleaning crew need? Ultimately the key of this enterprise is not to save a buck but to save power, and hopefully save a buck or two meanwhile we are at it. I doubt that my own apartment building at 40 Gerrard Street East could ever compete with the power usage of the Royal Bank plaza at Bay and Front streets, as they have the advantage of their thousands of computers but only a soul or two per floor after 9:00pm.

If we are trying to save electricity why not legislate for landlords, particularly of large buildings and the private sector to implement solar power panels on their roofs for example? Generally, most roofs have gravel and a few pipes, they have the space and it will benefit them in the long term.

What about lower income families? Those very families who happen to live in less than perfect conditions; do you think Mr. Smitherman their landlord would have the funds to fix their drafty windows, bad heating and replace their energy wasting appliances? When that does not happen, whom do you think will be left in the cold when they are not able to afford to live even in those less than perfect conditions?

I am not saying that smart-meters are bad idea Mr. Smitherman, but the way Mr. McGuinty it is going about it definitely proves his $100,000+ a year salary has segregated him and is now out of touch from the average Toronto citizen and father still from someone who is an actual tenant. Where is ‘our’ voice being represented in all of this?

I am expecting a response to see what will be done about this matter. Oh, and if I may, could you be kind enough to email me a response. No fancy paper on regular mail, please.

Thank you for your time,

You can find some other thoughts on the matter if you click to this quick exchange on this forum.

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Ah, how time flies when you have a blog. I have been away for quite sometime. New Year’s was great. Went to Niagara Falls and had a blast. Won’t go into the details but it was one of the better New Year’s in the last couple of years. Besides, I really dislike doing the club thing. Not my cup of tea. Too much of a meat market ideology, everybody trying to pick everybody, besides, one pays upwards of $80 to enter a club that normally would cost $10 and for what? A few snacks and a cheap glass of bubbly at midnight? Come on… and throw in the fact that you are mostly surrounded by strangers? Really, there are better ways of ringing in the New Year.

Okay on another note, I work for a bank and as such they like to block as much Internet access as possible. I am sure most other workplaces are the same or pretty similar. Also, they are not very keen on us installing any software on their machines. Okay, I sort of respect that, they are a business and they do not want their employees messing up their machines. However, did I mention that I am an Email admin? Well, they like to block all of us. Particularly tech people, since we are the sneaky ones who might try to get something by the system.

So, that is what I am doing. Sure, I am not installing anything on my machine, as a lot of companies out there are pretty vigilant and that would be wrong **cough**—they keep a record of what we install—**cough** However, I have found this app that gives you the power to have an “Online” desktop that you can pretty much carry everywhere you go. That way, you can access it from any machine that has Internet access. You got email (inbox is 2Gigs!), a calendar, RSS feeds, weather, and pretty much anything else you can imagine. Sure Yahoo and others do the same but a lot of companies block such obvious solutions. Also it would be a crime not to use it, particularly since it is free! So here give it a try, Google the name ‘Goowy’ read a review and enjoy the newest fad. Desktop on the go!

Oh, or if you are the impatient type, then just click here, and create and account and be one of the cool-geek kids!

This is dedicated to those tech (Read: Geek) friends of mine who say I never share anything good and cutting edge when I find it.

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Finding the notebook with all those poems (Read: ‘From the Archives’) made me remember that I used to do a lot of writing when I was younger. For example, when I was nineteen I used to work as a freelance writer for www.Toronto.com. On a hunch I decided to see if there was anything left, after all I must have written dozens of reviews from book stores to restaurants. So I started doing a quick google search and voila!

I found one.
Bruck.
Actually two, but the link for the review for the World’s Biggest book store was dead. I could not believe my luck though since I wrote these little reviews almost a decade ago. I don’t even remember writing this particular one, but I do remember the chance to work from home and going by my own schedule. Quite a different job structure than now. Life was good.

Here is THE one left: http://toronto.citysite.sl.ca/profile/146916/

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I really dislike Rogers. I am one of the many who has had a history of bad experiences with their services. Also, I have found some of their procedures to be sneaky and underhanded.

For example, I got a Nokia 6190 through Rogers three years ago due to a corporate deal I was illegible through my place of work. When I got it, I was advised by the salesman in the corporate store that I had fifteen (15) days to try the phone and if I did not like it – either phone or service or both— that I could return it for a full refund. ‘Okay,’ I thought, ‘that’s fair.’ Case in point, Fido used to have a thirty-day return policy, but since Rogers bought them they have fallen into line with their parent company and reduced it to fifteen days as well.

Luckily I made my mind of whether to keep the phone or not after a really quick call to my then new voice mail system. Imagine my surprise when I called Rogers to cancel.
‘Have you used it?’ Was the CSR’s first question, ‘Yes, I did.’
’Then most likely you cannot return the phone.’
‘Why?’
‘If you use the phone for more then fifteen (15) minutes then you void your option to cancel the contract. Unless you pay the ‘contract cancellation fee.’
‘How much is that?’ I asked as I went through the phone’s call timer. ‘Twenty dollars for every outstanding month, to a limit of $200.’
‘The man at the corporate store forgot to mentioned that small fact.’
‘Fifteen minutes is pretty short, with Fido you can use the phone for as long as you want for 30 days. How is anyone supposed to figure how good their phone is if they can only use it for fifteen minutes?’ ‘That’s what is in the contract, Sir.’

Wait, so Rogers has a policy stating that you may return a phone within fifteen days only if used for less than fifteen minutes? What kind of insane clause is that? Had the salesman mentioned this fact when I bought the phone my perception of my options would have been quite different. I felt such ‘oversight’ on the part of the salesman highly underhanded. As I did ask about the exceptions and limitations regarding their return policy.

’Eight minutes,’ I said to the CSR. ‘I have only used the phone for only eight minutes!’
‘Can’t be, because we have been talking for more than 15 minutes.’
‘I am using my landline.’ You are not getting me that easily I thought.
‘Okay, what I would recommend then is just drop by the store you bought it and ask for a refund. I would also recommend that you do not use the phone.’
‘Gee, thanks.’

I got a full refund the next day. But I could not help to wonder how many times this happens out there. Less then a year and a half ago, Peter one of my friends was stuck having to pay the $200 dollars because he made the mistake of expending his allocated 15 minutes on hold to speak to a CSR to cancel his service before the deadline. ‘You can’t cancel Sir, you have exceeded the fifteen minutes usage clause.’
‘But I have used them to call your Help line to CANCEL the line.’
Sorry Sir, the limitation is fifteen minutes so in your case to cancel is no longer an option.’

In Peter’s case he was forced to pay the $200 as he was advised that his account would otherwise be sent to accounts receivable and promptly forwarded to a collection agency, which would stain his credit rating.

Marcus, colleague of mine, who works with me but used to work for Rogers as a CSR told me that he was regularly reminded by management that if they found errors in people’s accounts that they should not bring it up unless a customer brought it up first. Since according to management the system would auto correct itself anyway. He never believed it though.

Which brings me to another of my stories of woe. I must have been on some cheap drugs but I somehow brought myself to giving Rogers another try, mostly due to a very attractive offer my job was once again promoting. I bought a Motorola T720 and whether it was the abysmal reception (I lived in a condo 3 minutes away from their downtown headquarters which is littered with reception towers!) or the fact that every single bill for the four months I was with them had errors. I ended paying the $200 to get the bloody hell out of Rogers. Luckily I was able to sell the phone so I managed to cover most of the expense. You can imagine my annoyance since my Fido account has never had a SINGLE billing error, and I had by then been with them for over 6 years! Too bad Rogers bought Fido last year, and they now share the same billing system. Damn you Rogers.

Heck, there is even a guy who got so fed up after being screwed by Rogers that he created a website in which people could voice their rants. He seems to have relaxed a bit, but the rants are still an excellent and more often than not hilarious read: http://www.ihaterogers.ca/index.htm

On more recent news, you may like to read the following story that just ran in the Globe and Mail during the weekend, because if you are with Rogers then this could happen to you. A law professor was in total shock when she received a $12,237.60 bill from Rogers. It seems her phone was stole from her home while away and over three hundred long distance calls were charged to her account, including calls to foreign countries such as Pakistan, Libya, Syria, India and Russia. Quite a change from someone whose average bill is $75. What it is even more shocking is Rogers’s propensity to just look the other way, even though they have admited to possessing the technology to track fraud-in-process, alarm the client and freeze the account. After all, the true colours of how a corporation treats its clients are most obvious in the efficiency it resolves your concerns and not by just seating back and collecting your monthly payments.
Good one Rogers, very smooth. Click here for the article.

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I while ago, I had to do a little bit of rearranging in my place. As fate would have it, I ended up finding some really old notes inside one of the dressers, particularly a notebook that I had not seen in a number of years. Now, I am not a big fan of poetry, but it seems like I used to since somehow I managed to scrape forty odd poems out of my head. So I though it interesting if I shared a few of them with you.
(The strange spacing on the second and fifth verse may seem odd but the sentences was to long for this blog, but the flow seemed to get all messed up if I made them into different sentences so I just left them alone).

Sirens

There is nothing to hide within
Our eyes. For they are as a looking glass
Alluring. A reverie, far away from sin
But gaze too near and you will miss our tide

Otherwise, a ramping tempest or a venturesome kiss of delirious spring
In your new course you’ll come to utterly comprehend.
Voyager, draw closer to our den. Bless from our humility standing tall.
Let us your shell mend and amend

For in our isle, we’ll boast a drink in your heart
Urging in canorous song, to find in thy sextant what it is that you thirst for
And for winds and waves to come in wreath and succor
Thus, benefiting thy endeavour… to this we promise our Lord.

Our choir’s serenade travels the sequestered realms
In your mind…Tie not your thoughts to a sinking ship
Flee! Escape from your wooden maelstrom of subsistence
Release thyself on the tantalizing bloom of the daughters of Hecate

It is thy will to allow our liaison to flourish. To embrace and opiate in our shapes and gifts
Breathe in our skin, with levity spoken for by Gods
For it is bestowed upon us the pietant recourse to sift, through the brave and the lost
Navigate thy swelling head and heel to the red coral of providence

Let us be your compass of your recourse
As your blood and flesh inveigle us
Do not protest! Do not deny! Do not let your ears be dour!
Unite in our Arcady of souls

Plunge your quest underneath ours cotton crests
Your vessel will share its wealth, as you will share ours
Our deep treasure, hidden from all others in the blanket of the sea
Follow, Voyager, follow the tail of our song

Like a summer’s sunset, your odium will not linger or be long,
Near the rocks you shall peacefully rest, from your weary journey
Follow, you who are so fond, fall for the calling of our tongue
Voyager, voyagers follow the tails of our song

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In one of my many adventures as an organizer of a social group I found myself at Insomnia, a trendy lounge in downtown Toronto a few weeks ago next to someone who was wearing a shirt that read: “Remember my name, because you will be screaming it later.”
Never having even heard that comment before, I could not restrain myself from commenting on it: “Very funny,” I said with a hint of friendly sarcasm in my voice. Then asked if it ever worked. “It worked while I was in Vancouver” he responded.
He was funny and he didn’t strike me as the shy type. Actually he seemed like the type who would benefit from a little shyness.

We quickly got into conversation. The usual thing you would talk to a stranger at a bar. He had just moved to Toronto from aforementioned Vancouver –hated the weather, by the way—and he had just gotten a new job at a computer firm. My job as a computer analyst gave us more than a few things in common but being a Friday, we non-verbally agreed not to speak about our jobs. ‘So what else do you do?’
Ah…here is where things got interesting.
“A have a side business…” he said before continuing.
“I am just starting it.”
I could tell he was hesitating. It was understandable, I was a complete stranger and we had talked for less than five minutes. He reached in his jeans and pulled a business card and handed over to me. The main caption read ‘Enlightened Heart.’ Printed in calligraphy not much different than what you would find on a turn of the 1800’s cover of a Harlequin novel.
His name was below this. Wha?
‘I teach shy people how to get women.’
‘Really?’ I said without disguising the doubt in my voice.
‘Yes.’
‘What are your credentials?’
‘My life.’
‘Huh?.’
‘Yeah.’

Then I read the back of the card, it read ‘Personal life and relationship mentor,’ and an uplifting quote regarding being able to get what you want out of life. I asked if he was any good with the ladies. No answer, just a sheepish smile.

‘If so, why come out to my social group?’ I asked.
‘Field research.’
Bruck. At least he was honest.

‘You know,’ I said, ‘ I give a lot of free advise. Doing it for over a decade now. Heck, you could say that I am giving away the business for free.’
‘The world is not short of misguided people.’ He said.
God, did I know that to be right. He made me think: What if I have gotten five dollars for every time I helped someone hook up with their crush? Ten for every time I set someone up? And, what if I charged by the hour for the long nights spent over the phone telling a friend who had just been dumped that he\she would be fine until four o’clock in the morning? Holy mother lode! Perhaps this guy was onto something.

From then on we jumped head first into many theories regarding dating and the mating dance. I have to admit, he had some good points regarding how to approach a woman: the avoiding of pickup lines at all costs, the importance of attitude over looks and other general things. Even though we came from different sides of the fence, which is understandable since points of views a based on experience. It was still interesting to see the similarities and not so similar takes on the opposite sex. Either way, “the scene” is biased towards the shy and the timid.

By the way, did I mention that there was a lady sitting practically between ‘Dale’ and me? Listening to everything we had said and I have to admit she did not seem very impressed with either of us. Not that we were being lewd, but I think she did not appreciate two guys trying to suck the romanticism out of romanticism by making it sound like some sort of hard science. By the way, Dale, if you ever read this, I am giving you free advertising, so don’t come complaining.

On a related note, haven’t seen it yet, but ‘Hitch,’ a recent summer movie starting Will Smith touches on the same subject. Men helping other men meet women, for a price… Generally, when Hollywood zeroes in on a subject, it is already at least six months too late to be on the edge of anything controversial. However, it is fascinating how ‘the scene’ has changed in the last decade. As roles and expectations evolve due to economics, social standards and with feminism inching forward, men may find themselves at a loss. Let’s not forget to add services and venues such as the internet and speeding dating just to mention a few which push the mainstream envelope on how people meet people, its is no surprise a few of us may turn to some sort of guidance to navigate the urban jungle.

A few hours later, Dale said he had another party to attend to but that he was glad that the dropped by. I knew he was in fact networking for his business but told him he was welcome to drop by anytime. After all I am the organizer of a social group.

’So is this what he really does?’ A girl in my group asked me at the end of the night after studying his business card.
‘So it seems,” I said.
‘Strange, he seemed kinda quiet.’

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