The Happy Hormone

New York – Tensions about avian flu outbreaks around the world are flying high as the media and the World Health Organization continue to warn us of an incoming judgment day where riots, paranoia and anarchy will rule supreme right up until the bit where we all keel over and die.

Fear on the grapevine is spreading like wildfire and can be found on almost all levels of human society. ‘There are rumours of underground factions working in conjunction to bring an end to humanity and usher a feathered Utopia as foretold in one of our many Holy texts.’ Said Reverend DaFellinci, ‘Not sure which one, but I am sure it is in there somewhere, probably written in some sort of code.’

‘Homo Sapiens are under attack.’ Added retired NYU Professor Frederick Andhaje, ‘Chicks are behind the pandemic. Some of them escape from farms you see, and get together in packs. I can almost see it, some seedy red-lit hideout, toying the avian flu back and for between each other, masterminding how they will transmit it onto us. I do not need to have forgotten my pills to know those chicks are up to no good.’

A few sketchy online sources describe underground bunkers representing a clear and present danger to out existence. On one www.thefeatheredfarside.com an article by a forum member who wished to remain anonymous stated: ‘not in a million years would I have ever thought the fourth Horseman to be a chicken.’ The author finished his essay with this grim statement ‘…I am hypothesizing the existence of a vast network working in isolated cells, working independently from each other. Thus making it very hard to track them down. Novus Ordo Mundi man! Novus Ordo Mundi!’ Since this story was printed the site has mysteriously gone offline.

Until the reckoning day comes Media analysts admit the best thing citizens can do is educate themselves about the danger and watch more TV. Just last week, most American channels from ABC to CNN showed no less than five movies of the week and prime-time documentaries highlighting and surmising our avian pandemic demise. When asked if the media was basing their obviously exaggerated portrayal of the flu on fear and the May Sweeps, a NBC spokesperson said ‘Well, duh.’

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Naperville – Phillips R. Sacks, a veteran greeter at the local Wal-Mart would like to let Mary Reighton know he is still waiting at Kit-Kat Tsunami, a trendy downtown pool lounge and tobacco shop to begin their first date.

‘Sure, she didn’t seem interested at first, but things change. I remember there was a time last week when she wouldn’t even talk to me. Persistence pays off.’

The date began last Friday night when he arrived at Kit-Kat at around 8:00pm. Mr. Sacks spent the first three hours playing pool, then had a few beers and since then has sustained himself on a mixture of free peanuts, water and lots speciality coffee. ‘Women are always late so I don’t think much of it.’

Andrew Beers added his establishment being open 24/7 is what has kept him from removing Mr. Sacks from the premises. We normally have a $5 per person seating policy and he has been spending $5.25 every hour he’s been here. I want the good folk of Naperville to know Kit-Kat stands by its policies. Even if he starting to reek. So if you want to have a good time Kit-Kat is the place to be. Remember we do parties, weddings and catered events; look us up in the yellow pages. Our prices ar—’ When reminded the article was about Mr. Sacks endeavour, he added ‘Yeah, what a chump. He hasn’t moved off that sofa and the wait staff are beginning to complain. If he stays for another day, the stench is going to get pretty bad. The moment he runs dry, he is out of here.’

Mr. Sacks met Miss Reighton at his job where she was a customer. ‘It was attraction at first sight. Mind you she gave me quite the chase. I almost lost her twice, around the toy aisle and when she hid in the women’s change room. She was sneaky, she thought I would not dare but that is how you impress a girl.’

Mrs. Reighton was contacted but we were unable to reach her for comment.

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Toronto – For years Dove Soap has boasted the quality of their product by ramming us with ‘mild cleansing ingredients.’ Over and over and from all directions in the hope we would end up accepting them, maybe even enjoy them. What is more disturbing is their utter refusal to publicly share the composition of those mild cleansing ingredients and to a lesser extend letting us in on what comprises the remaining ‘non’ mild cleansing ingredients. ‘It was only a matter of time before conspiracy theorists began flocking. They knew we would start to take notice and began speculating what exactly Dove was made of. Just like the roves of scientists and priests who until this very day still wonder what is Ivory soap –Dove’s archenemy and competitor in the soap racket– 99% pure of. Pure what? Dried dove droppings? Cocaine? Children bits? It is a complete mystery.’ Said Walter Deminski, a professional conspiracy theorist.

‘I have worked on many conspiracies in the past like the JFK assassination, the Iraq Wars and the ‘How do they put the Caramel inside the Caramilk bar? paradox. But this one has us baffled. I devised the Soylent Green theory, but I know others are salivating for the credit. I just know it.’ When asked why they could not simply throw a sample under a microscope and do a chemical analysis Mr. Deminski added, ‘You mean, like a real test? No we can’t. That costs money. You know, with the Prime Minister being a CSIS operative and taxing us to death, most conspiracy theorist can barely afford smokes and groceries. But, shhh…don’t tell anyone I said that.’

Dove recently launched a new ‘Campaign for Real Beauty,’ an ad campaign designed to challenge unrealistic images of women in advertising but only as long as they buy Dove products. ‘They knew we were closing in,’ said Mr. Deminski. ‘They knew it. I suspected they would drop it. They wouldn’t risk us figuring it out. Another mystery solved!’

- This and other NewsBriefs are printed on the Toike Okie. U of T’s premier satirical source since 1908. -

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Miami – Fox News released a report yesterday revealing the President’s all-time low approval ratings to be the result of evil Mexicans. The report added these Mexicans are working illegally and have unified for the common goal of making Mr. Bush appear as a desperate politician willing to pull any half-cooked stunt to inflate his sagging public approval rating.

The report is yet another drop in the bucket in the never before seen flurry to stop the flow of illegal immigrants. “It’s about time!” said Fox News political correspondent Beige Bush, calling illegal Mexicans ‘lazy’ and ‘more preoccupied with tacos and siestas except when it comes to ruining my second-cousin’s good name.’

When asked to comment on the possibility the current immigration initiative to be a plot to distract the American people from the aftermath of the Iraq war Mrs. Bush added ‘What Iraq war? Are there illegal Mexicans over there?’

The issue has already reached a feverous pitch when the President made a televised address two days ago in which he informed the nation that 6,000 National Guard Reserves would be mobilized to the border to stop evil immigrants. ‘Sure,’ he told the nation, ‘they can run but we have snipers who specialize on moving targets.’

When asked why suddenly the issue of illegal immigrants has become the current administration’s de facto issue, he said ‘Mexicans have always been on my mind. Don’t get me wrong. I have always respected our neighbours to the south. Back in Texas, they made 3/4 of my staff. As you may already know, America will always need maids, cleaning staff and gardeners.’

The topic was then changed to the phone-tapping inquest, Mr. Bush said ‘The fact that we’re discussing this programme is helping the enemy.’ Defending his actions ‘as necessary,’ he continued to add that as far as he was aware no laws had been broken. ‘But he would not surprised if it was an illegal alien who tipped the press.’

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This was a letter sent to Mr. Smitherman, my MPP regarding Toronto’s new Smart-meters that if without opposition could start infiltrating Toronto homes as early as this summer. Although a good idea in concept, the way they are going at it is as boneheaded as only politicians have the gift to make it.

This is Mr. McGuinty’s plan to have Torontonians save electricity by doing their laundry at ‘off peak’ hours. Like, let’s say 3:00am in the morning.
If you rent than this affects you! Write your MPP, make them earn their lunch money.

Good day Mr. Smitherman,

I am taking this opportunity –my first in fact – to write to you about an issue, which has gravely alerted my attention. Mr. McGuinty’s proposed use of ‘smart meters’ in the city of Toronto, although a good plan at heart, needs to be rethought before it can ever come upon real-world implementation.

Mr. Smitherman, this plan does not take into consideration a landlord’s responsibility to upgrade a tenant’s unit or appliances to the latest most energy efficient models. I would also wager that most would be unable to financially fulfil this task. Further still, once they are no longer footing the hydro bill, it is easy to see their desire to replace them waver even more. Especially if McGuinty allows landlords to mandate their own generic discount on a tenant’s rent. After all, a building does not have to be environmentally friendly or efficient to pass code.

Under these circumstances, if a landlord cannot\refuses to upgrade appliances, don’t you think passing the expense of hydro over to tenants is not only unfair but an obvious lack of environmental concern by Mr. McGuinty and Queen’s Park? It sounds more like a misguided attempt to save a quick buck rather than avoiding an ‘energy crisis.’

So what if this plan comes into fruition? I can only imagine the logistical nightmare of keeping track of the new hardware and the billing system that will surely come with it. Instead of having one bill, now you are going to deliver over 320 to my building alone? How many trees are going to be cut down every billing cycle in order to keep Toronto’s mostly circa ‘80s appliances running? How about the new staff that will need to be hired?

To quote Mr. McGuinty from his April 19nth, 2004 Legislative assembly speech, it is easy for him or anyone to say “That old, inefficient beer fridge in the basement may seem like your best friend at playoff time — but every time you open the door it’s “pay-up time,” because that fridge can be costing you about $150 a year in extra electricity — electricity we can’t afford to waste.” Well, what about when that ‘inefficient fridge’ takes the form of your inefficient heater, or your stove, or your kitchen fridge? These things happen and they are not being addressed, could someone explain why tenants should pay for something they have no control over?

On a different note Mr. Smitherman, why no one ever touches on the fact that we do not need the CIBC tower on the Northwest corner of Yonge and Bloor lit up like a Christmas tree every night? Or what about the Manulife Centre? Or the Eaton Center Tower? Or most of the downtown core for that matter? How many lights does an evening cleaning crew need? Ultimately the key of this enterprise is not to save a buck but to save power, and hopefully save a buck or two meanwhile we are at it. I doubt that my own apartment building at 40 Gerrard Street East could ever compete with the power usage of the Royal Bank plaza at Bay and Front streets, as they have the advantage of their thousands of computers but only a soul or two per floor after 9:00pm.

If we are trying to save electricity why not legislate for landlords, particularly of large buildings and the private sector to implement solar power panels on their roofs for example? Generally, most roofs have gravel and a few pipes, they have the space and it will benefit them in the long term.

What about lower income families? Those very families who happen to live in less than perfect conditions; do you think Mr. Smitherman their landlord would have the funds to fix their drafty windows, bad heating and replace their energy wasting appliances? When that does not happen, whom do you think will be left in the cold when they are not able to afford to live even in those less than perfect conditions?

I am not saying that smart-meters are bad idea Mr. Smitherman, but the way Mr. McGuinty it is going about it definitely proves his $100,000+ a year salary has segregated him and is now out of touch from the average Toronto citizen and father still from someone who is an actual tenant. Where is ‘our’ voice being represented in all of this?

I am expecting a response to see what will be done about this matter. Oh, and if I may, could you be kind enough to email me a response. No fancy paper on regular mail, please.

Thank you for your time,

You can find some other thoughts on the matter if you click to this quick exchange on this forum.

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Ah, the opportunity to write a few words on the beauty of not having children. ‘Sure,’ some of you may be think ‘as you get older, you’ll change your mind.’ Well, I would not be too sure about that.

As I get older –29 in July- I have been invited to a few parties in the last couple of years where my girlfriend and I have been the only ones without small children. Wow, after only a couple of hours I could not wait to rush home, flop on the couch, kick my legs up and enjoy…silence, complete and utterly uninhibited silence. Inventors: be aware, if you could can silence, mass-produce it and then sell it, you would be the MVP of Nobel laureates.

It is amazing the squealing that can come out of a two year old, sparing no eardrums in its wave of destruction and early deafness. Now imagine a whole horde of them! Running up and down, left and right, hardly ever running into each other, as if able to hear their shrieks bouncing off furniture and everything else.

Paradoxically, I like children, just not the ones I can’t give back. I enjoy playing with them and I mean with them, and not some sort of twisted mind game of my own Machiavellian design. No who can borrow Daddy’s wallet without him realizing it competitions or my own favourite version of hide and seek, were they hide and I go seek another glass of wine. In fact, I think I would be a great father and nurturer. Just in patience points alone I have managed a good karma trust fund that could be easily used to raise a child. I have just made the decision not to have any.

However, you know what I would like to do? I would like to turn this sucker and point the spotlight at you for a moment and ask you the question: ‘why would you like to have children?’ A lot of people say ‘well, to have a family, of course.’ Now, what the hell does that really mean?

You were once one (partner excluded) and now you have to be many? Concerned the gene pool is getting a little impure and adding a few of your own drops will chlorine it into a grandiose Olympic pool? Nah, no one really thinks like that. Or do you have a need to pass the family flag down the next generation? Or do you want a mini-me version of yourself, doing the same things you did or worse, the things you didn’t get to do. Play the piano, sports, be a pop star or any other lost dream? Millions of parents live precariously through their children every day. It’s a human species pass-time. This scares me the most. That and the rare type of people who use children as bargaining chips, heck one of my best friends had the catch 22 fortune of being born in a family of good stature were her mother’s main intention was to get pregnant to keep her husband from leaving. Yes, good stature, bad marriage.

Now, I am not saying that people should not have children. That is not only outlandish but also outright stupid. No, I would not say that. However it is fair to say people should not assume having children is the end all of all relationships. That is just what is expected of us in our society, nothing more.

At the very least, everyone owes it to themselves including the ‘must have one or two’ in the crowd, regardless of how sure you believe you are, to question the why to the need. It could be that you might want children for completely different reasons than you thought and that is dangerous. At least if I am making a wrong decision I am not dragging a new life down with me, just my girlfriend or whomever I am dating, but she can always leave. Tell that to a five year old: ‘Scram Pete! I changed my mind. Go become feral or something.’

By the way, since the topic of children is what is known as a ‘deal breaker’ in relationship lingo, make sure it gets discussed as soon as it is suitably possible. You don’t want to fall in love only to find you are incompatible in the breeding department.

The more I think of it, the more I am done with children. Perhaps selfishness is the reason guiding us all. Some have the dream of the 2.3 children (Canadian median), the white picket fence, the minivan, and some don’t and I love it. Would a woman change my mind? It’s hard to say, I love my lifestyle.

By the way, I am not a would-be playboy, thinking I will have an endless string of women in my pad forever. Nope my name is not Hugh. Quite the opposite, I would like to settle down just not with kids. There are women who would agree with me out there. Even if most of society and family will continue to remind us that our natural clocks are ticking away, particularly to the ladies. For the most part we have been relegated to outcasts, but notice that we are a growing demographic, so outcast for not much longer.

So, hang there, and enjoy a nice quiet weekend brunch. Personally I am a fan of poached eggs and a good cup of coffee\tea, served on a nice outdoor patio. Ah, life is good.

I think the last time my sister; mother of two got the chance to do Brunch was…well, I am not even sure, it has been that long. I would say at least 9 months before my niece was born. Coincidence? Perhaps.

Before I go, I wanted to add this last thing my friend told me happened to him last year, which reflects society’s awkwardness towards us non-breeders. I remember a short conversation that occurred at their lunchroom between Dwayne, married with two children and Brad, married with none. They are both in their mid-forties with decent paychecks to boot. One drives a minivan and is so busy on weekends that he, as a salesman actually gets more physical rest at work than at home. This is a real story.

‘Do you ever regret not having children?’
‘Me? Why?’
‘Most people have a few kids by now.’
‘You know Dwayne, now that you ask…yeah, I have been thinking about that…’
Voice getting quieter now.
‘…You know, I would easily trade the two houses we rent-out, the four times a year me and Lydia go on vacation, our two convertibles and the freedom of waking up whenever we want just to have the single opportunity to have a few kids.’
Dwayne’s voice quiets down to meet his.
‘…Uh, really?’
‘HELL NO! WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? I LOVE MY LIFE!’

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