The Happy Hormone

1.) What is the sound of your head smashing into the ground?

2-) What is the name of the erotic screams you hear from outside your girlfriend’s apartment when surprise her by taking the afternoon off.

3-) A falling skyscraper is not best tool to be used as a sundial, especially if you are inside it.

4-) If a computer is suicidal, does it reboot itself?

5-) Love: Is like a gorgeous and rare flower, it dies

6-) If a jackhammer falls out of the sky, hits you in the head and knocks you into a coma does that mean God doesn’t like you?

7-) Suffering a stroke and a massive coronary failure simultaneously during orgasm blows.

8- He who runs into incoming fire could be called courageous, I prefer ‘bullet sponge.’

9-) Healthy living is alive in Mexico where running for the US border is an Olympic sport.

10-) Enlarged brain tumour due to over use of cell phone verifies that brain size means nothing.

11-) Art is dying! Don’t believe me? See Yoko Ono’s show, and cry.

12-) “Royalty” is a romantic word for “Inbreeding.”

Popularity: unranked [?]

True Valentine Horror Stories:

Now that Hallmark’s holiday has come and gone is time to call it what it is: To put it nicely –as this is quality, respectful publication— Valentine’s Day is far too glamorized. Not everything is roses and chocolates out there. Sometimes it’s a war zone where your heart is no man’s land. Don’t believe it? Then you are deluded and probably on some cheap meds. As such, if you are lucky to have survived with your ego intact then maybe you won’t get suckered into Valentine’s next year. Still don’t believe? Then here are the experiences of some poor celebrity souls who are scarred for life:

Mark Hamill:
‘I finally worked the nerve to ask this lady I had been eyeing since ’96. The date was going great, until I couldn’t help to murmur to myself: ‘The force is strong with you tonight, Luke…’ Suddenly, she twitched in horror and said, ‘Oh, you are THAT guy.’ She then excused herself to the ladies room never to be heard from again. I should really stop reliving the past.’

Tom Cruise:
‘Scientology does not have room for trivial beliefs like
Valentine’s day. But if I did then I would make sweaty and disgusting sexual acts with Carlos, I mean Kate. Kate, you know Kate, my wife? The one carrying the son I made with my own sperm?’

Paul Martin:
‘I lost my cushy ass job; my gerbil and Melinda turned NDP and Harper is now wearing my old jammies. How would you feel?’

Paris Hilton:
‘I like told my boyfriend of the week we could get a room and make a sex tape. He got upset. I don’t get it.’

Eddie Murphy:
‘Actually, I am happily married, but my agent can’t get me any auditions so I had to settle for you people. I am starving here. How come no one told me I can’t sing for shit?’

Britney Spears:
’I asked Kevin to surprise me on Valentine’s Day. He got up really early for like once, then went out and got a job at a Jack in the Box but got fired the same day for slacking. I wasn’t surprised, but somehow I got knocked up, again.’

Bill Gates:
“I was wondering when you would show up…’

Kate Moss:
‘So he opened this baggie, I thought it was baby talc, I swear!’

Colin Ferell:
‘Why am I on this list?’

Angelina Jolie:
‘I am with Colin. Who are you fucking people?

Popularity: unranked [?]

Rogers Expands Rogers on Demand

TORONTO- Rogers Communications ever-growing lust to build an imperious monopoly over Canadians announced today details about their upcoming second-generation Rogers On Demand service.

‘It funny how it came to us,’ said an unapologetic Ted Rogers, ‘(The board and) I sat in my arboretum, just beneath my own small ten foot gold statue of myself wondering just how to expand the service beyond just movies. Then it hit us. Not everyone likes to just watch movies.’

According to their news release, Rogers On Demand will now include services from drugs, gambling and prostitution. ‘We simply could not believe we had neglected such an obvious market before. It might be a low denominator clientele, but we are talking hundreds of millions here.’ added Andrew Corripio head of Rogers’s global marketing.

‘You will find our prices to be very competitive. Not only that, there is also the extra advantage of bundling Rogers On Demand with any of our other telephony or cable services, trust me, you will definitely see some real savings on your monthly bill. We are very excited about our prospects.’

After being asked about the fact this initiative might be considered illegal by both local and federal authorities, Mr. Rogers added: ‘I have never given a fuck about what they thought in the past, I see no reason why to I should care now.’

Popularity: 2% [?]

Harper Uncanadian: He ‘Dislikes’ Hockey

Reuters- A barrage of civil unrest has ran amok in Harper’s old riding of Calgary West after it was discovered that Harper ‘dislikes’ Hockey. The verbal travesty was presumably heard by Harper’s cousin’s best friend’s girlfriend at the annual Harper Kegger party held at Stephen’s hometown of Toronto.

According to reports, an anonymous party member channel-surfed the TV to a hockey game; Harper was then heard to have shouted ‘I dislike that!’

‘Even though I was drunk and Harper’s wasn’t facing the TV, and some of the guys were trying to funnel some whiskey down his mouth, I am sure he heard Don Cherry’s play by play. He knew what was going on.’ Said Harper’s cousin’s best friend’s girlfriend, who asked to remain anonymous due to possible retaliation, ‘I am afraid for my tax return, I have a feeling I am not going to get any money back this year.’

In Calgary West the public outcry has been more severe, with dozens of party members looking angry, rumbling among themselves but doing nothing about it.
‘Sure he is the new Prime Minister and had grounds to be ecstatic and I heard that he had to be wasted after having all those body shots. I mean, had he said that something about Lacrosse, maybe even curling, we would understand, but Hockey? That un-Canadian! I just do not know who he is anymore, except maybe a Liberal hippie. Next he will say gay marriage is okay, for Christ’s sake!’ said a disgruntled Chris Strovinsky, now an ex-Harper supporter.

Popularity: 2% [?]

How to be an Internet Playa!

It was only a matter of time before technology and the human mating dance met face to face, went out for a few drinks and ended up in a Super 8. The result? A cyber-jungle of IM services plus a volley of single, dating and discrete encounters sites. A scene not much different than the de-humanizing meat-markets found in any half lit nightclub, it seemed like things were just going to be business as usual.

BUT WAIT!
With the invention of that great equalizer known as the Internet, it is finally irrelevant if you are shy or if your friends call you a Picasso come to life!

THERE IS MORE!
Now not only the ludicrously hot (not you) and extroverted can enjoy the sinful pleasures of straying into the fancy of multiple partners, whether you like it or not!

BUT WAIT!
‘How does this remarkable system, undoubtedly created by a sage in the arts of seduction works,’ you ask?

Simple, I made it a personal quest to travel the world, hopping from frisky Jamaica, to romantic Paris and to the more laissez-faire city of Amsterdam to collect research. The rest of Europe, Asia, and Africa were also on the itinerary—somewhere— but unfortunately, I got as far as mythical London, Ontario before running out of funds and forced to use a Money-Mart to buy the bus trip home. Either way, after ten minutes of Googling, I was able to extract the elixir to create this revolutionary system.

WOW, I AM GETTING A LITTLE EXCITED!
Yes, and you should be.

TELL ME MORE!
As part of your guide into history, you will receive my smouldering ‘How to be an Internet Player’ guide, smack full of essays and ‘how-to’ nuggets. Such as:

Chapter I:
Don’t offer to buy her a drink, you stupid.
Chapter III:
Typos as the lubricant of Internet love.
Chapter VI (a):
Stretching the truth is just another way of saying ‘I like you.’
Chapter VI (b):
Instant Messengers are crude forms of communication, so what if you said you are 6’3’?
Chapter VI (c):
Having a six pack means different things to different people. How to just go with it.
Chapter IIX:
Ask her which Hollywood star she thinks is hot; then tell her you just happen to be his look-alike! If you have any qualms with this, refer to Chapter II.
Chapter X:
How come the women on the Lavalife dating website don’t look anything like the ones in the commercials? The mystery explained!
Chapter XIII:
How to type with only your left hand.
Chapter XX:
So, she ended up being a man? How to just go with it.

THIS IS PURE GOLD… I AM SALIVATING!
Yes, but there is more! Aside this soon to-be New York best seller, you will also get my 24\7 email support in case you have any questions. Yes, I will personally read and analyze your concerns and will advise in a true mentor like fashion. Send me your questions and orders to: Sendmeyourmoney@techemail.com

IS THERE A CATCH?
Are diamonds ever free? Most women have to get married just to get one. But don’t worry; you don’t have to marry me. I will settle for only five easy payments of $19.95! Yes! Benefit from my lack of pride! You will be enjoying the benefits of this brilliant system in no time, whether you like it or not!

Popularity: 5% [?]

Avian Flu Claims First A-List Victim

Los Angeles – With the recent outbreak of the avian flu, it was only a matter of time before even the echelon of Hollywood’s A-list would start succumbing to its ill effects.

‘Sure it has been spreading, but no one cared when it was just any feathered chicken or fowl. Don’t we breed them by the millions? Just like rabbits for God’s Sake! But there is only one Big Bird.’ Said a Disney’s spokesperson when referring to the avian’s flu latest victim. ‘Big Bird is currently in our intensive care unit right here at the Disneyland Health Complex, right next to the chamber where we keep Walt’s cryogenically frozen head.’

It seems the famous Sesame Street veteran contracted the virus after experimenting with some Indonesian chickens that might or might have not been infected with the deadly flu-like-virus. ‘We warned him,’ said his publicist Peter Buevo ‘It was no secret he had his fallacies, we all do, but his philandering was just out of control! I mean…Indonesian chickens? Someone had to draw a line, but you just don’t go toe to toe with a seven-foot-nine bird who simply hates being wrong. I recall Cookie Monster being a pretty bright guy until BB got through mashing his head in with Oscar the Grouch’s garbage can. Everyone knows you don’t cross the Big Bird on anything unless you have some serious backup or packing heat.’

Doctors at the DHC say he might pull through but his chances are still pretty flighty. Disney has full ownership of Sesame Street, its employees along with Waltz’s head.

Popularity: 2% [?]